glossary

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military fun sponge

A fun sponge in the military is a socially inadequate, humourless & deeply unpopular person who, through a sense of bitter loathing & revenge, sucks all the fun out of everything. Normally calls senior officers "Sir" or "Ma'am" on twitter.


Dude: why don’t we show our human side & engage online?


Military Fun Sponge: all this social media stuff is only a passing fad & has to be boring.

milsplaining

Miilsplaining (blend word ‘military’ & informal form splaining of gerund ‘explaining’) is pejorative term meaning "(of a squaddie) to comment on or explain something to #civvy in condescending, overconfident, often inaccurate or oversimplified manner"


It is total bravado based on a rigid hierarchy where people have to do exactly as you tell them even if you are an utter knob. Civvies don’t give a shit about rank & will tell you to poke it.


I’m not #milsplaining you thick Civvy twat, I’m giving you guidance based on my considerable military knowledge gleamed from Commando comics & years of mucking other military around. I have zero knowledge of real world but if I shout & point, you will have to do what I say!

bumsnorkler

Bumsnorkling is a practice common in the British Armed Forces. The activity increases to a frenzied peak immediately prior to any annual reports or appraisals. Is in common use on social media and real life where its practitioners can be identified by their pantomime level of career laughing.


That brown nosing twat goes utter bumsnorkler beserker when his OJAR is being written.

endex

A code word that means a military exercise is complete. It is also the prompt for alcohol deprived soldiers to drop everything, power up vehicles, abandon kit and charge in a mob towards home before last orders. 


For the Staff Officers, it is time to delete all the evidence, pretend to pay attention in the AAR and not update SOIs, thus landing the next incumbent in the brown sticky stuff.


ENDEX -start your engines, last one back is running the Lesson Identified process.

special investigation branch

The undercover investigative element of the British Royal Military Police. An organisation that is supposed to blend into the wider military community to mirror the effect that CID provide to civil police. 


In reality it is populated by a bunch of barely literate mouth breathers who spend all day taking screenshots of Facebook and being outsmarted by even the slowest witted squaddie. Most likely military group to be Swingers.


In Special Investigation Branch office:


SIB: "Look sunshine, we know you did it, confess or else"


Perp: "I didn't do it"


SIB: "Oh, you sure? Well, you'd better get out of here, we'll be watching you"

battle captain

In a deployed HQ, there is one person who's job it is to make stuff happen. This is the Battle Captain & it is a thankless task, involving many hours without sleep, trying to get more senior officers to stop dicking around & actually concentrate on the task in hand. 


If everything goes swimmingly, the same senior officers get the credit but if it all goes to ratshit, the Battle Captain has his or her buttons cut off, sword is snapped & they are sat on their horse backwards & paraded out of camp.


"This is a goat rodeo & we are all going to die" followed by "let's blame the Battle Captain".

wedgehead

A Wedgehead is a member of the British Army's Royal Engineers. The expression dates back to when the Royal Artillery ran away in Crimea forcing the Engineers to rescue their guns before the Russians stole them. In the chaos, they used dead infantry officers' bodies to wedge the wheels to stop the cannons rolling downhill.


See that Wedgehead over there? He is thick as mince and a complete waste of rations.